I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.ħ. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?Ĩ. There are good sides and bad sides to it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. All the fucking music is Christmas music. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.ġ0. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.Ģ. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. I'll get that bastard one of these years.ģ.
I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.Ĥ. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.ĥ. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em.
I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.Ĩ. Glen Danzig will find this blog and respond to one of the posts angrily. A Universal Health Care bill will be introduced in Congress. The death of the hand-held gizmo will be heralded by all. One of the new popular hand-held gizmos (iphone, kindle, etc.) will fail en masse. Someone will give Dennis Miller another shot at his own talk show. The ratings for The O'Reilly Factor will soar.Ĥ. Less people will believe in the Tooth Fairy.
The ratings for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will plummet.Ħ.
Stephen King will release at least one novel, and at least one of the novels released will feature a main character who happens to be a professional writer. It will be the same kind of thing that, if said by white people about someone else, would "just be a bit of fun and why do you folks take yourselves so seriously?"ĩ. Before the end of the year, the new president will say something that will make white people indignant.